I’m the Internet. I’m WINNING!

Dear Friends, Family, and Strangers the world over,Wow! It’s hard to believe that another year already came and went. It seems like just yesterday that I was only available to NASA scientists and government nerds. Crazy how the time flies! Luckily I was able to take some time off from Planking and 9/11 conspiracy theories to see new places and have some R&R in 2011.

Speaking of new places, I’ve had the opportunity to travel this year more than ever before. At this point I’m pretty much all over the world, so I get to see some cool things and experience different cultures (except in China – they won’t let me do shit over there). If you can’t access me from your phone by now you are either a huge loser or a Buddhist monk. But more likely a loser. But seriously, how else are you supposed to look something up at the drop of a hat to prove someone wrong or check the score of the game?? JK!! LMFAO!! Am I right??? I’m a pretty big deal.

The kids are getting so big now! It’s hard to believe that little Wireless is already ten years old! When he was first getting off the ground he was spotty and unreliable but has since really blossomed. In addition to making the honor roll and attending Orchestra Camp (he plays the cello, natch), he is on track to be in most American homes within the next decade. I couldn’t be prouder!His sister Wifi has also really come into her own. She’s become such a young beauty that any business worth their salt will soon offer her. She’s pretty much mandatory in all hotels and coffee shops. Next stop – churches and glaciers in Alaska! I’m guilty of having had one of those Toddlers and Tiaras stage-parent years, where I’ve been telling everyone they have to feature her. They totally should!! ROFL!!!

Dad had a pretty quiet 2011 after the ending of his marriage last year. When the general public demanded a paternity test and it was determined that he is not in fact my biological father, he had a pretty tough time with it. I didn’t even get invited to this year’s Gore family reunion. He’s pretty much abandoned me and politics for the environment. Talk about an inconvenient truth. And since Tipper never claimed to be my mother I have often struggled with the complicated range of emotions that come with being a bastard. OMG!! Sorry to get all treating-the-web-as-a-personal-diary on you! I totally unfollow people who do that šŸ˜‰
Right? Right Left. Left – Gone Away. Away, up up and. Down. Chickens. $#^%$^$% Shit, sorry! I forgot to turn off Bing toolbar. Sheez, he is really out of hand. I’ve been medicating him, trying to get him to be more like his superior Uncle Google, but he’s always trying to display maps of the whole country or web images of verbs. *sigh*
I will admit to you that this year hasn’t been all sunshine and roses. Those guys at WikiLeaks and Anonymous have been real assholes. I truly hope that their indiscretions do not cause you to shy away from doing all your banking, shopping, communication, research, and entertainment through me and the kids. Because then the terrorists would win. LOLOLOL!! Other 2011 lows have included the Tweeting of political dick picks and argumentative and hateful commentary on everything from news stories and blogs to obituaries and pie charts. If I’m going to rule the world I guess I have to accept being the ultimate anonymous outlet for all the narcissistic crazies out there. It’s a heavy burden I carry.
Looking ahead towards 2012, I am excited (in more ways than one. boo-yah!) to announce the impending arrival of the .xxx web addresses. This will be one small step for man (men), one giant leap for porn! JK! But seriously, if you have kids you should look into iron-tight security settings for your computer. I’m not for everyone, after all. Also look for breaking scandals, more death hoaxes, and more 2012
itstheendoftheworldbecausetheMayanssaidsothousandsofyearsago theories. I can’t wait! Here’s wishing you Happy Holidays and best wishes for a bright andĀ prosperousĀ New Year!
Love and Hugs,
The Internet
Contributing Writer
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