Tales From The Lifeguard Chair – Winter Fest

By Colby Nelson-Kauffman, OCBP
contributing writer

Christmas is definitely my favorite Holiday….the season of giving is such a fun time for someone who loves to give Joy to others.  People really act weird at Christmas time though! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks? Christmas is the time of year when you realize how many people you know and how many sizes you don’t. And honestly I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live! In all seriousness, what a great time of year to spend with family and friends, spreading the Joy of the season.

This brings me to one of our town’s most festive events, Winterfest of Lights.  Winterfest, for short, takes place at Northside Park on 127th street here in OC, MD.  You can go any night of the week from 5:30 to 9:30pm Sunday through Thursday and 5:30 to 10:30pm Friday & Saturday.  The cost is 5$ for everyone 12 and older, 11 and under free.  This event not only consists of an approximate 15 minute tram ride through all the beautiful displays, but you can also visit with Santa and shop for holiday items.  Make sure to bring a blanket to wrap up with your loved ones as it can get very cold, but is well worth it!

I would like to leave you with a few reasons why I believe Santa IS a Woman:
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they –with amazing calm –call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.  Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wakeup Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.  First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended (am I right DB or what?! :-). Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every xmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degrees.

And finally, Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.  Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.  And being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment……HA!!!

Until next time, have a wonderful and safe Holiday!!