Summah Summah Summah Tiiiiime

Well it looks like most of us made it through the holiday weekend relatively unscathed. The summer season is officially here, and we welcome it with open arms. I am relieved that the whole rapture thing didn’t pan out, because I have a lot of sinning left to do.

Whether you spent your weekend at the beach, cooking out, lounging by the pool, or enjoying family time, I hope you took a moment to reflect on why most of us have a day off work in the first place. A simple “thank you” to the men and women who have served our country and lost their lives does not seem adequate. But Thank You nevertheless.

Now that it’s tourist time here at the beach, it’s important to take note of some important tips that will make the season more enjoyable for everyone.

* At the risk of sounding like a PSA, keep in mind that crosswalks exist for a reason. We’ve all seen those parents dragging their kids along beside them while pushing a stroller and balancing five beach chairs and a cooler, dodging cars in the middle of Coastal Highway. It makes me want to jump out of my car and bitch slap the parents in question for pulling their kids into traffic.

* If you rent one of those big-wheel type sit-down bikes on the boardwalk, make a concerted effort to drive them in a straight line. Weaving back and forth across the boards seems like a grand time until the people on bikes coming up behind you collide with your rental because you pedaled directly into their path. This is very much a point of contention for Amber, who hates you.

* Do not go on vacation without bringing one good honest friend along with you, who will be straightforward with you about your wardrobe choices. Judging by much of the attire gracing the boardwalk, most people do not do this.

* Guys: catcalling has not ever worked in the history of man kind. Not once. If you are driving down Coastal Highway and call out to the girls walking down the sidewalk, they are not going to chase your car down, catch up to you at the next light, and ask if they can go home with you. It will not ever happen. Partly because most people are too lazy to chase cars down, but mostly because you look like a tool.

* Be respectful of beach etiquette. Try not to kick sand on strangers and their towels, and don’t plop yourself down on someone else’s stuff just because they are down by the water. Most people do not care for seagulls. If you are feeding them, the flock will fly around the area in a frenzy, and someone is bound to get shit on. Nobody wants that. Don’t be that person who uses seagulls as a tool to metaphorically and literally shit on those around you. It’s very passive aggressive.

* Sunscreen is a good idea. The red blistering look is not as sexy as you think it is.

* If you go out to the bars and find yourself wasted, try not to stumble out into traffic and then yell at the cars who have to swerve to avoid hitting you. Yes, pedestrians have the right of way, but that right of way isn’t going to re-align your nose when your face is embedded in the grill of a Civic because you fell off the sidewalk into it’s path.

* Saltwater taffy is a nice gift to take to your friends and families back home. If it turns out that they do not like taffy, you can send it back to OC, because it’s actually quite useful in reinforcing the seawall.

If you are heading to the beach this summer, keep these tips in mind, and your vacation will be a rousing success. Remember to tip your bartenders. Happy Summer everybody!