Weren’t Easter and springtime in general a whole lot cooler when you were a kid and got the week “off”? Because that full time job of being a kid was super stressful…

I love all of the celebrations that take place this time of year. Passover, like Hanukkah, lasts several days. You are onto something, my Jewish friends. Extending holidays and celebrations over the course of a week or more is genius! For those who don’t know, Passover commemorates the release of the Israelites from slavery in ancient Egypt. This occasion is celebrated with flat bread. That’s about all I know, since I was brought up Catholic. I’ve always celebrated Easter, the occasion where Jesus rose from the dead to deliver baskets of cavity-inducing goodness to children. Or something like that.

Fluffy chickies and lambs are often depicted as the adorable meadow-loving animals representative of these celebrations and springtime in general. At least that’s what the cover of the Paas Easter egg dye box would have you believe. The general public seems blissfully unaware that the lambs were historically sacrificed and that the surviving chicks have lived through the mass genocide of their unborn siblings, who were mercifully ripped from their incubators, dyed bright colors, and hidden around the world for children to find. Morbid. Isn’t it bad enough that the chickens are the only animal that has to suffer the indignity of being nuggett-ed? They deserve a break. We should shift focus and pick on some other species, like that anatomical freak that is the Easter Bunny. Although as the only mammal to join the duck-billed platypus in its ability to lay eggs, I suppose it does deserve some street cred.

Many people do not understand how the date that Easter falls on each year is determined. Traditionally it takes place on the first Sunday after the first full moon of the Spring Equinox. Or the first Sunday after the Orioles fall below .500. Whichever comes first. This year, to commemorate the fact that Earth Day and Easter fall so closely together, I think that we should dump boatloads of Peeps into the sea to suck up all the oil that is killing those penguins in the South Atlantic. Or somehow incorporated those squiggly light bulbs and tree planting into our celebrations. GCFL is currently accepting any and all suggestions for Earth-saving, spring-holiday-incorporating ideas.