29 Mar Dear Facebook Users,
What did we do before social networking? When nobody had an outlet for sharing the detailed minutia of their daily lives? Since so many out there are dedicated to keeping us up to speed on these mundane details of everyday life via status updates and Twitter feeds, I feel as though I’ve slacked off in responding to these riveting posts. I’ve been so wrapped up in crafting quilts from dryer lint and wondering who gave Larry the Cable Guy a TV show, that I’ve really been unresponsive. For this I apologize.
Let’s start with you, political extremist ranting guy. The beautiful thing about this country is that your incessant ranting is a constitutional right. It’s not that I agree or disagree with your point of view, it’s just that your constant comments and links to political stories and videos have gotten out of hand. We all know your party affiliation and opinions. Perhaps try running for office, contacting your Congressman, or actually taking some sort of action to encourage change. Or move to Tripoli. I don’t care. Just shut up for five minutes.
Extreme Fitness Guru, believe me when I say that details of your intense workout and power lunch do not motivate me to be less lazy. Is motivation your goal, or are you trying to make everyone else feel bad? It’s not that I CAN’T run 68 miles and then eat a hummus-lettuce-sprout wrap, it’s just that I’m so much happier when I DON’T do those things. I find it puzzling when you take a picture of your food before you eat it, and post it to your wall. That’s weird.
Super Parents, you should know that your kids are in fact adorable and I enjoy hearing about their occasional funny antics. Endless details about potty-training and sleep schedules though, not so much. This applies to parents of little humans. Childless individuals who act as though Fluffy is a child are on another level. I love my dog as much as you do. But when your profile pictures are a revolving slide show of Bruiser, it makes me worry that you are so uninteresting that your dog has taken to updating your Facebook page for you. Or that you have tried to claim him as a dependant on your tax return. And if you post a home video of your cats doing anything ever, that is grounds for immediate unfriending.
Need-to-Comment-on-Everything Updaters, you are really, really boring. No offense intended, I just though someone should tell you. Yes it is cold outside, and no, nobody likes it. We all know that traffic is a bitch, that the Bachelor should have picked the blond/brunette/non-crazy chick, and that Monday’s suck. Please step away from the news feed until you have something interesting to say.
Extremely Emo Individual; I’m sorry that your job sucks, the opposite sex sucks, and that most people are scummy two-faced flaky backstabbers who only care about themselves. You know what else sucks? Your status updates. I would like to respectfully request that you invest in a diary or therapist or any outlet that is not visible to hundreds of judgmental people in cyber space. Your whining and constant need for sympathy is exhausting. If your life has never been the subject of anything to air on A&E, and you don’t live in Japan, you really don’t have it so bad. Try to have a little perspective. Seriously.
If ANY of you know ANYONE who has done SOMETHING please repost this as your status update for zero hours. We are ALL affected by SOMETHING or ANYTHING and occasionally EVERYTHING. TRUE friends will repost this in support of or putting a stop to WHATEVER THING we’re talking about today.