The Legend of St. Patrick’s Day (if legends were written strictly based on sterotypes)

I love stereotyping. No other holiday provides such a rich and ample opportunity to do so. Some people frown on that. It’s wrong, politically incorrect, blah, blah, etc. I disagree. If we didn’t have stereotypes as a means to judge people before meeting them, we might have to actually take the time to get to know them. And as SUV-driving, rat racing, uber busy American citizens with a collective sense of entitlement, who detest the man and struggle to balance a career with family life, who has time to do that? I have often wondered how the modern tradition of St. Patty’s Day came about. Based on my half-assed pop-culture research and general observations, I have deduced the following:

Today I’d like to tell you the story of St. Patrick’s Day. So just who was St. Patrick, anyway? He is the highly regarded patron Saint of Guinness, that’s who. He struggled through life sustained by corn beef, cabbage, soda bread, Jameson, and Lucky Charms.
The story goes that he chased all of the leprechauns off of the Emerald Isle during the Great Potato Famine while dancing a jig and jamming out to Flogging Molly on his Ipod. A rainbow appeared, which he then followed to a pot of gold. That was where a beautiful maiden kissed him as a direct result of his ethnicity. Inspired, he moved to Boston and made a fortune selling t-shirts and buttons proclaiming that all people should do as the maiden had.
According to Irish (Ocean City’s) lore (random drunk guy), the colors of the Irish flag were inspired by a beautiful Irish lass named Caleigh Patricia Murphy O’Brien. Her ivory skin and bright flaming hair set against a green field of shamrocks inspired Bono to create the present-day Irish flag.

Today this great Irish tradition is celebrated in bars and pubs the world over by people over consuming and dying large, unsuspecting bodies of already polluted water a festive green. So go get your Irish on with a frosty pint or something made from potatoes. Celebrate the Good Green Fun Life with all the other non-Irish amateurs.