Alternative Greeting Ideas For Waiters/Waitresses by Bryan Russo

Everytime you go to a restaurant, you are greeted by your server with a “hello, my name is so and so, and I’ll be taking care of you tonight.”
I’ve never liked the phrase, and it’s never convincing, and dammit, it needs to change.
It seems rehearsed and they certainly aren’t making me excited for my dining experience which is sure to include the blue plate special that I plan on coupling perfectly with red wine or a colon clogging import beer. Concurrently, I, in advance, will plan on tipping more than 20% to compensate for the amount of food that my children are sure to leave all over and around the table itself, but I’d like to feel like the server isn’t proverbially phoning it in.
In trying to be apart of the solution and not just point out a problem, I’ve come up with some new server greetings that might be used in an around Ocean City this season.

More than likely they will not be more professional, but it would be a lot of fun….

1. Hellooooo Tourists! (would be awesome if accompanied by a banging gong)
2. Hey ladies, let’s get the hugs and the highfives out of the way before we get your apps ordered….
3. Gang, My name is Joey Bronco, and I’mma call you all my ‘crew at table two’….fist pump.
4. Our special today is Fish Tacos, but that’s a roll of the dice to be perfectly honest…and steer clear of the meat plate too…just sayin.
5. Welcome to (establishment name here) would you like a discounted booze drink that is only discounted to draw in people from 5 to 7 pm, which we have deemed to be two hours of the day that are otherwise happier than the others?
6. Hey, do you guys like Jazz……?
7. What’s it going to take to get you fellas in a nice surf and turf tonite, because I can get you in one for $19.95.
8. Hey, how was the back nine gentlemen? Great…under par, awesome. Please be reminded that tipping shouldn’t look like your golf card…and yes, I have a boyfriend, so please don’t ask.
9. Hey there, I’m Amanda, and I don’t like working here, and I know this wasn’t your first choice, so let’s make this as painless as possible.
10. Hey, I’m Tony, I like long walks on the beach, listening to the Dave Matthews Band in the rain and older women who drink expensive Chardonnay, so if there are no more questions, I’ll take your order.
11. hey, I’m Alice and if you play your cards right, you might just get free refills on that Pepsi.
12. Please don’t order White Zinfandel, Please don’t order White Zinfandel….dammit.