Foods on the Rack

by Bryan Russo

Money is tight and the cupboards are bare, well, maybe not bare, because we don’t think anyone really says things like that anymore, but they certainly aren’t filled with all the ingredients and posh inventory items needed to host a swanky dinner party in the near future. And to tell the truth, if you are hosting a swanky dinner party, please invite us, but, if you would we implore you to keep the items listed below off the menu….even though you can get these items at the local bizzaro mart for bargain basement prices, a new hat, a free bowl of soup, and one OK Magazine subscription.

I recently heard a young lad plea to his grandmother in the local eat-mart the other day as she tried to put a less than satisfactory item into their cart. The boy argued with conviction, “Just because you have a coupon, doesn’t mean that you have to get it Nana….”

I thought to myself….”Well played son…well played, indeed.”

Here’s our shopping list for the week.

1. Vegetar-ish Burgers

2. The Juiciest Juice of All Juices (contains only 8% actual juice)

3. Faux Veal

4. Spam Chops

5. Vamp Flakes (new “Twilight” inspired cereal, cause vampires are so hot right now..just ask count chocula)

6. Turduken Fritters

7. Potpie Roast Mix (Available in Chicken or Beef)

8. Cran-Ensure (cause they’ll put cranberry juice in ANYTHING nowadays.)

9. Organic Bleach (cause the only thing hotter than vampires is anything that says organic)

10. Kool Cigarettes